Famous Quotes & Sayings

Frank Carson

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

Frank Carson

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

Frank Carson

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

Frank Carson

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

Frank Carson

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

Frank Carson

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

Frank Carson

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

Frank Carson

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

Frank Carson

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

Frank Carson

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

Frank Carson

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

Frank Carson

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

Frank Carson

I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

Frank Carson

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

Frank Carson

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

Frank Carson

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

Frank Carson

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

Frank Carson

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."

Frank Carson

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

Frank Carson

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."

Frank Carson

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

Frank Carson

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

Frank Carson

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

Frank Carson

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

Frank Carson

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

Frank Carson

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

Frank Carson

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Frank Carson

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

Frank Carson

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

Frank Carson

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

Frank Carson

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

Frank Carson

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

Frank Carson

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."