Famous Quotes & Sayings

Steven Wright

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

Steven Wright

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Steven Wright

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start...

Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Steven Wright

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Steven Wright

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

Steven Wright

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Steven Wright

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Steven Wright

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Steven Wright

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Steven Wright

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Steven Wright

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Steven Wright

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Steven Wright

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Steven Wright

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Steven Wright

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Steven Wright

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Steven Wright

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Steven Wright

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Steven Wright

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.