Famous Quotes & Sayings

Natasha Leggero

Your main contribution is spray painting your nickname on other people's things. And my cousin, who's a 'gangster', he's like, 'No, Tash, you don't understand; you throw a fat piece up there, that piece is yours.' I'm like, 'No one thinks you own Costco.'

Natasha Leggero

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?

Natasha Leggero

Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80's.

Natasha Leggero

College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.

Natasha Leggero

Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.

Natasha Leggero

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting ruffied? It's like relax. YOU can take the coaster off your drink. There are at least three of us in line ahead of you.

Muhammad Ali

I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.

Muhammad Ali

It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.

Muhammad Ali

Fifteen referees. I want fifteen referees to be at this fight because there ain't no one man who can keep up with the pace I'm gonna set except me. There's not a man alive who can whup me. I'm too fast. I'm too smart. I'm too pretty. I should be a postage stamp. That's the only way I'll ever get licked.

Muhammad Ali

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wild Life.

Muhammad Ali

It's hard to be humble, when you're as great as I am.

Muhammad Ali

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.

Muhammad Ali

My toughest fight was with my first wife.

Muhammad Ali

A man who views the world the same...

Mitch Hedberg

I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the "Donate it to charity" slice. "I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'"

Mitch Hedberg

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

Mitch Hedberg

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

Mitch Hedberg

Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!

Mitch Hedberg

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.

Mitch Hedberg

I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"

Mitch Hedberg

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

Mitch Hedberg

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

Mitch Hedberg

I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.

Mitch Hedberg

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.

Mitch Hedberg

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

Mitch Hedberg

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

Mitch Hedberg

I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

Mitch Hedberg

You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two." They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes!

Mitch Hedberg

I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, "Don't even worry about snakes anymore". My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, "Lay down!"

Mitch Hedberg

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.

Mitch Hedberg

That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.

Mitch Hedberg

The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."

Mitch Hedberg

I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.