Famous Quotes & Sayings

Tina Fey

If these two are tired of having sex with each other, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Tina Fey

It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all 12 of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A spokesman for the Knicks said, 'if this is what it takes to win, it's not worth it.'

Tina Fey

It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie, Revolver. Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.

Tina Fey

The Washington State Supreme Court on Thursday announced a two year suspension for a lawyer caught having jailhouse sex with a triple murder defendant she was representing. Haha! Jokes on you, dummies... I'm not really a lawyer.

Tina Fey

A recent study announced that 52 per cent of all teens who sign virginity pledges recant them within twelve months. If I'm on my game.

Tina Fey

In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."

Tina Fey

Wafah Dufour bin Laden, niece of Osama bin Laden has signed a contract to star in a reality show... called Skating with the Nieces of Terrorists.

Tina Fey

At the upcoming Grammy Awards, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will perform together as the first time, as man and wife. Hopefully music.

Tina Fey

This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in 10,000 pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over 14,000 dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him.

Tina Fey

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am all about money. I mean, just look how well my line of zodiac-inspired toe rings and homeopathic children's medications are selling on Home Shopping Network.

Tina Fey

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

Tina Fey

Ladies gotta say no to their husbands at the movies. They gotta say: "No, we are watching back-to-back cancer movies. And then this movie about a cat."

Tina Fey

Obviously, as an adult I realize this girl-on-girl sabotage is the third worst kind of female behavior, right behind saying "like" all the time and leaving your baby in a dumpster.

Tina Fey

I think someone should design exercise machines that reward people with sex at the end of their workouts, because people will perform superhuman feats for even the faint hope of that.

Tina Fey

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.

Tina Fey

I am constantly amazed by Tina Fey. And I am Tina Fey.

Tina Fey

I want to thank my parents for somehow raising me to have confidence that is disproportionate with my looks and abilities.

Tina Fey

An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show here ankles to to get that job?

Tina Fey

Growing up as a girl is always traumatizing, especially when you have the deadly combination of greasy skin and getting your boobs at ten. But I think it's good to grow up that way. It builds character.

Tim McCarver

Bob Gibson is the luckiest pitcher I ever saw. He always pitches when the other team doesn't score any runs.

Sam Ewing

Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.

Sam Ewing

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

Roy Orbison

I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.

Ronald Blythe

Old age is - a lot of crossed off names in an address book.

Ron White

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade....

Ron White

The arresting officer-who I had literally known all my life, you know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down from me in a town of less than 400 people. We've met. Anyway, at the station, he asks me if I have any aliases. And I was just being a smartass and said, "Yeah, they call me... Tater Salad." Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed to a bench with blood coming out my nose, this cop comes up to me and says, "Are you Ron... 'Tater Salad' White?"

Ron White

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

Ron Fairly

Bruce Sutter has been around for awhile and he's pretty old. He's thirty-five years old. That will give you some idea of how old he is.

Ron Fairly

Last night I neglected to mention something that bears repeating.

Rupert Brooke

A book may be compared to your neighbor: if it be good, it cannot last too long; if bad, you cannot get rid of it too early.

Rupert Everett

Hmm... Death by mini bar, how glamorous.

Tom Petty

If you're not getting older, you're dead.

Tom Peters

I found myself declaiming, full flower, for an hour on the "utmost importance and urgency" of Blogging, telling him in no uncertain terms that, especially in a high-end niche business, Blogging is "the premier way" to have "intimate conversations" with his Clients. Funny thing, I believe it!