Famous Quotes & Sayings

Carl Hiaasen

I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something.

I'm a terrific mimic, and you can feel my funny bone.

We're in a funny space. Too much good news is not good news because the market worries about the Fed.

Luke Treadaway

This morning someone sent me a very funny photo of me holding their puppy. We have matching colour jackets.

Steven Wright

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

William Shakespeare

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

Louis C. K.

There's nothing that beats proving you're funny by making a funny thing, and right now there are huge outlets for that, with You Tube and all the other stuff online.

Louis C. K.

For years, Blockbuster Video has edited movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, when he's masturbating while the girls in the car are doing the thing. I rented it from Blockbuster and sped to that scene, and it was gone. I called up Blockbuster, and I'm like, "I got an erection, and the scene's not there."

Louis C. K.

I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining. ... "Sir, could you please stop?"

Louis C. K.

If I found myself alone on planet Earth, no other humans, I would have sex with a monkey in like two minutes. Two minutes. That's really not long enough to be sure you're alone on the Earth, even. That's like... I walk outside, it's- there's not much traffic. "Oh, my God, it's just me! I'm gonna have sex with a monkey right now. Oh, no-there's a person."

Louis C. K.

Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, "Those Chinese people, they can fly!" "You know about the Puerto Ricans? They're made of candy!"

Louis C. K.

I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, "What's wrong with you?" And I'm like, "I know! Damn it! Argh!"

Louis C. K.

One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she's kicking. ... And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It's like a rat. "Get off of me." "But I love you." "I don't know you, kid."

Louis C. K.

People are too afraid of uptown. A lot of people will tell you, like, "Don't go to Harlem. You can never go there. 'Cause as soon as you get there, they kill you." That's what people think. As soon as you arrive in Harlem, someone just stabs you in the face right away. That's people's image of Harlem: just everyone standing around waiting for lost white people to kill all day. "Did you see any? I didn't either."

Louis C. K.

America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.

Louis C. K.

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

Louis C. K.

I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'

Louis C. K.

Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed... into my mouth.

Louis C. K.

Sorry - Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someone's getting hurt.

Louis C. K.

Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.

Louis C. K.

You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says "dolphin safe", and you look at it and kind of go, "Yeah, but"-like somehow you think it's not going to be as good? Like, "I want to do the right thing-but it's probably kind of bland without the dolphin."

Mark Twain

All Congresses and Parliaments have a kindly feeling for idiots, and a compassion for them, on account of personal experience and heredity.

Josh Billings

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.

Mark Cuban

The new moron in town is Chad Ford of ESPN.com.

Mark Cuban

When I started writing this blog more than years ago, it was in response to traditional media's habit of twisting interviews to fit the headlines they wanted to create.

Charles Woodson

I couldn't believe it. That was the first time I had ever seen somebody celebrate for a whole 40-second clock. That was ridiculous.

Bob Monkhouse

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

Bob Monkhouse

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

Bob Monkhouse

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

Bob Monkhouse

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

Bob Monkhouse

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

Bob Monkhouse

I got my start in silent radio.

Bob Monkhouse

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.