Famous Quotes & Sayings

Bob Monkhouse

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

Bob Monkhouse

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

Bob Monkhouse

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

Bob Monkhouse

I got my start in silent radio.

Bob Monkhouse

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

Bob Monkhouse

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

Bob Monkhouse

What do gardeners do when they retire?

Bob Monkhouse

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

Bob Monkhouse

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

Bob Monkhouse

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

Bob Monkhouse

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Bob Newhart

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

Bo Derek

Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.

Bo Burnham

I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

Bo Burnham

And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.

Bo Burnham

I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.

Bo Burnham

Ya back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid, well that and fagot.

Bo Burnham

And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.

Bo Burnham

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.

Bo Burnham

I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

Bo Burnham

People ask me all the time, ALL the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, 'Bo, you're an artist... how do we fix Africa?'

Bo Burnham

There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?

Bo Burnham

For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.

Bo Burnham

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.

Bo Burnham

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

Bo Burnham

In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in highschool.

Bo Burnham

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

Bo Burnham

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

Bo Burnham

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

Bo Burnham

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

Bo Burnham

Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

Bo Burnham

Where are all the sour patch parents?

Bo Burnham

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.