Famous Quotes & Sayings

Phil Rizzuto

I'm glad I don't play anymore. I could never learn all those handshakes.

Peter Shaffer

All my wife has ever taken from the Mediterranean - from that whole vast intuitive culture - are four bottles of Chianti to make into lamps, and two china condiment donkeys labelled Sally and Peppy.

Quentin Crisp

An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last installment missing.

Quentin Crisp

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.

Quentin Crisp

There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.

Quentin Crisp

Sex is the last refuge of the miserable.

Quentin Crisp

However low a man sinks he never reaches the level of the police.

Quentin Crisp

Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.

Quentin Crisp

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

Prince Harry

To be honest dinner conversations was the worst bit about being a child and listening to the boring people around me.

Prince William

As I learned from growing up, you don't mess with your grandmother.

Prince

Act your age, not your shoe size.

Prince Philip

I never see any home cooking - all I get is fancy stuff.

Reggie Evans

I don't know what's wrong with that girl.

Reggie Jackson

After Jackie Robinson the most important black in baseball history is Reggie Jackson, I really mean that.

Red Buttons

Orville Wright said to his brother, "Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?"

Tom Jones

Plant a radish, get a radish, never any doubt. That's why I love vegetables, you know what they're about!

Toni Morrison

I like marriage. The idea.

Tommy Bolt

The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise.

Tommy Cooper

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

Tommy Cooper

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Tommy Cooper

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

Tommy Cooper

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

Tommy Cooper

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

Tommy Cooper

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

Tommy Cooper

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

Tommy Cooper

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

Tommy Cooper

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Tommy Cooper

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

Tommy Cooper

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

Tommy Cooper

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Tommy Cooper

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

Tommy Cooper

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.