Famous Quotes & Sayings

Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Rodney Dangerfield

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

Rodney Dangerfield

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

Rodney Dangerfield

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

Rodney Dangerfield

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

Rodney Dangerfield

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

Rodney Dangerfield

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Rodney Dangerfield

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Rodney Dangerfield

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

Rodney Dangerfield

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

Rodney Dangerfield

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Rodney Dangerfield

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

Rodney Dangerfield

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

Rodney Dangerfield

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

Rodney Dangerfield

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Rodney Dangerfield

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

Rodney Dangerfield

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Rodney Dangerfield

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

Rodney Dangerfield

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Robyn

The funny thing about gold is how quickly it can tarnish.

Robertson Davies

She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people.