Famous Quotes & Sayings

Steven Wright

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

Steven Wright

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

Steven Wright

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Steven Wright

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

Steven Wright

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

Steven Wright

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

Steven Wright

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Steven Wright

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Steven Wright

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Steven Wright

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

Steven Wright

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Steven Wright

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Steven Wright

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Steven Wright

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Steven Wright

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Steven Wright

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

Steven Wright

I took a baby shower.

Steven Wright

I washed mud off of mud.

Steven Wright

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

Steven Wright

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

Steven Wright

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

Steven Wright

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

Steven Wright

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

Steven Wright

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Steven Wright

It's a fine night to have an evening.

Steven Wright

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

Steven Wright

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

Steven Wright

People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

Steven Wright

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Steven Wright

Clones are people two.

Steven Wright

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

Steven Wright

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.