Famous Quotes & Sayings

Rita Rudner

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

Rita Rudner

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

Rita Rudner

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

Rita Rudner

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

Rita Rudner

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

Rita Rudner

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

Rita Rudner

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

Rita Rudner

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

Rita Rudner

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

Rita Rudner

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

Rita Rudner

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

Rita Rudner

How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?

Rita Rudner

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

Rita Rudner

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Rita Rudner

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

Rita Rudner

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Rita Rudner

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."

Rita Rudner

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

Rita Rudner

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

Rita Rudner

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Rita Rudner

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Rita Rudner

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Rita Rudner

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Rita Rudner

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Rita Rudner

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Rita Rudner

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Rita Rudner

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

Rita Rudner

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

Rita Rudner

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

Rita Rudner

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Rita Rudner

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Rita Rudner

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

Rita Rudner

You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.