Quotes about funny
funny life motivational
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. Robert Frost
funny happy-birthday growing-up
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
funny hilarious humor
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. Robert Bloch
funny smile hilarious
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
funny dog boys
The ideal age for a boy to own a dog is between forty-five and fifty. Robert Benchley
funny witty humorous
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
funny party fall
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
funny humor feet
One cubic foot less of space and it would have constituted adultery.
funny humor water
Streets full of water. Please Advise.
funny humor home
In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us outsiders. We have to fight home competition.
funny new-york humorous
[Reviewing the New York City Telephone Directory] But it is the opinion of the present reviewer that the weakness of plot is due to the great number of characters which clutter up the pages. The Russian school is responsible for this.
funny retirement heart
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
funny witty humorous
Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
funny work procrastination
Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.
funny loyalty dog
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
funny divorce genius
I can't take his genius any more. Rita Hayworth
funny sleep winter
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. Rita Rudner
funny children pregnancy
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
funny humor men
Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
funny sex husband
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
funny team humor
Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
funny humor men
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
funny sports humor
When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
funny humor men
No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
funny basketball team
Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
funny jobs humor
If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
funny humor home
Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
funny humor men
Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
funny humor men
Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
funny humor ideas
Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.
funny humor men
Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
funny war humor
Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
funny humor men
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.