Famous Quotes & Sayings

Mitch Hedberg

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

Mitch Hedberg

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Mitch Hedberg

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Mitch Hedberg

I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend...'Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I've got the documentation right here! Oh, wait, it's back home, in the file. Under d...for doughnut.'

Mitch Hedberg

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

Mitch Hedberg

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

Mitch Hedberg

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

Mitch Hedberg

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

Mitch Hedberg

When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.

Mitch Hedberg

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Mitch Hedberg

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Mitch Hedberg

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Mitch Hedberg

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.

Mitch Hedberg

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard. The mailman will get shot, the envelope will not seal, the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. The final payment must be made in wampum.

Mitch Hedberg

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

Marilyn Monroe

I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time.

Maria Bamford

I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don't wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too.

Maria Bamford

I've never really thought of myself as depressed so much as I am paralyzed by hope.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

War is a poor chisel to carve out tomorrow.

Mark Wahlberg

I miss being able to wake up when I want and go on stage when I want and pull down my pants when I want.

Mark Knopfler

Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.

Mark Hoppus

Thats not a place where I'm considered good-looking.

Mickey Mantle

You don't realize how easy this game is until you get up in that broadcasting booth.

Nathan Myhrvold

Software sucks because users demand it to.

Naguib Mahfouz

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

Miriam Makeba

I have to go and say farewell to all the countries that I have been to, if I can. I am 73 now, it is taxing on me.