Famous Quotes & Sayings

Steven Wright

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

Steven Wright

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

Steven Wright

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Steven Wright

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

Steven Wright

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

Steven Wright

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Steven Wright

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Steven Wright

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.

Steven Wright

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Steven Wright

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Steven Wright

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

Steven Wright

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Steven Wright

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

Steven Wright

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

Steven Wright

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

Steven Wright

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

Steven Wright

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<

Steven Wright

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

Steven Wright

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Steven Wright

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

Steven Wright

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

Steven Wright

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

Steven Wright

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Steven Wright

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Steven Wright

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Steven Wright

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

Steven Wright

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Steven Wright

Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.

Steven Wright

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Steven Wright

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Steven Wright

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

Steven Wright

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.