Famous Quotes & Sayings

Rodney Dangerfield

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

Rodney Dangerfield

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

Rodney Dangerfield

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

Rodney Dangerfield

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

Rodney Dangerfield

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

Rodney Dangerfield

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Rodney Dangerfield

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

Rodney Dangerfield

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Rodney Dangerfield

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Rodney Dangerfield

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

Rodney Dangerfield

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Rodney Dangerfield

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

Rodney Dangerfield

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

Rodney Dangerfield

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Rodney Dangerfield

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

Rodney Dangerfield

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

Rodney Dangerfield

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.