Famous Quotes & Sayings

Robert A. Heinlein

Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago.

Robert A. Heinlein

If I had a Boy Scout I could make a fire by rubbing his hind legs together.

Robert A. Heinlein

There are hidden contradictions in the minds of people who "love Nature" while deploring the "artificialities" with which "Man has spoiled Nature.'" The obvious contradiction lies in their choice of words, which imply that Man and his artifacts are not part of "Nature" : but beavers and their dams are.

Rita Coolidge

Too often, the opportunity knocks, but by the time you push back the chain, push back the bolt, unhook the two locks and shut off the burglar alarm, it's too late.

Ringo Starr

America: It's like Britain, only with buttons.

Rihanna

My knees on the ground, dear father, don't let me break, please make me stronger.

Tim Allen

Can a woodchuck chuck wood? Because the question is, "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if," so you haven't established or proved without any shadow of a doubt that a woodchuck could chuck wood. Frankly, I believe that they chew wood. I don't think they can chuck wood at all! I take offense to the whole chucking question.

Tim Allen

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Tim Allen

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Tim Allen

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Tim Allen

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

Thomas Szasz

Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.

Steven Wright

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

Steven Wright

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Steven Wright

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Steven Wright

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Steven Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

Steven Wright

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

Steven Wright

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Steven Wright

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

Steven Wright

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

Steven Wright

How young can you die of old age?

Steven Wright

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Steven Wright

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Steven Wright

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Steven Wright

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?