Famous Quotes & Sayings

Zach Galifianakis

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

Zach Galifianakis

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

Zach Galifianakis

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

Zach Galifianakis

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

Zach Galifianakis

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

Zach Galifianakis

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

Zach Galifianakis

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

Zach Galifianakis

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

Zach Galifianakis

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

Zach Galifianakis

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.

Zach Galifianakis

I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."

Zach Galifianakis

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

Zach Galifianakis

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

Zach Galifianakis

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

Zach Galifianakis

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

Zach Galifianakis

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

Zach Galifianakis

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

Zach Galifianakis

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

Zach Galifianakis

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

Zach Galifianakis

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

Zach Galifianakis

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

Zach Galifianakis

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

Zach Galifianakis

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

Zach Galifianakis

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

Zach Galifianakis

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

Yul Brynner

Girls have an unfair advantage over men: if they can't get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.

Zig Ziglar

There is only one thing worse than training employees and losing them, and that's not training them and keeping them

Zach Braff

I had a very funny family.

William Hazlitt

Humour is the describing the ludicrous as it is in itself; wit is the exposing it, by comparing or contrasting it with something else. Humour is, as it were, the growth of nature and accident; wit is the product of art and fancy.

William Hazlitt

Humour is the making others act or talk absurdly and unconsciously; wit is the pointing out and ridiculing that absurdity consciously, and with more or less ill-nature.

William Hazlitt

A hair in the head is worth two in the brush.

Walter Matthau

I don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it.

Walter Matthau

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.