Famous Quotes & Sayings

Tim Vine

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

Tim Vine

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

Tim Vine

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Tim Vine

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

Tim Vine

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

Tim Vine

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

Tim Vine

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

Tim Vine

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

Tim Vine

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Tim Vine

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

Tim Vine

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Tim Vine

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

Tim Vine

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

Tim Vine

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

Thomas Lennon

I'm always doing what I can to look for and just feel out funny things that are happening in the scene and improvise off of them.

Thomas Friedman

Remember, in China when you are one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you.

Thomas Beecham

Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away.

Thomas Beecham

There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn't give a damn what goes on in between.

Victoria Beckham

I have started smiling! I've mastered this smirk; it's a smile that isn't a smile.

Victor Hugo

Whenever a man's friends begin to compliment him about looking young, he may be sure that they think he is growing old.

S. I. Hayakawa

I'm going to speak my mind because I have nothing to lose.

S. J. Perelman

"In France," Marcel said with wintry dignity, "accidents occur in the bedroom, not the kitchen."

S. J. Perelman

FREEDLEY: Will I feel better after I take it? DR. FITCH (coldly): I, am a physician, Freedley, not an astrologer. If you want a horoscope, there's a gypsy tearoom over on Lexington Avenue.

S. J. Perelman

Do you know anything at all that nobody else knows or, for that matter, gives a damn about? If you do, then sit tight, because one of these days you're going to Hollywood as a technical supervisor on a million dollar movie.

Russell M. Nelson

The only duration of family life that satisfies the loftiest longings of the human soul is forever.

Russell Simmons

You'll see a lot of funny stuff, you'll see a lot of daddy-knows-best stuff, you'll see a lot of me and my wife trying to hold the family together.

Ronald Reagan

Please assure me that you are all Republicans.

Ronald Reagan

Elena, my four year old, says to me in all seriousness; "Mommy, you need to buy another baby".

Ronald Reagan

Until now has there ever been a time in which so many of the prophecies are coming together? There have been times in the past when people thought the end of the world was coming, and so forth, but never anything like this.

Ronald Reagan

We were told four years ago that 17 million people went to bed hungry every night. Well, that was probably true. They were all on a diet.

Ronald Reagan

... a faceless mass, waiting for handouts.

Ronald Reagan

Today a newcomer to the state is automatically eligible for our many aid programs the moment he crosses the border.

Ronald Reagan

We think there is a parallel between federal involvement in education and the decline in profit over recent years.