Famous Quotes & Sayings

Stephen Chbosky

Patrick actually used to be popular before Sam bought him some good music.

Stephen Colbert

I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?

Stephen Colbert

Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.

Stephen Colbert

On this show, your voice will be heard - in the form of my voice.

Stephen Colbert

Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.

Stephen Colbert

You see, we're America the Beautiful, not "America Well At Least She Has A Great Personality".

Stephen Colbert

Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.

Stephen Colbert

Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!

Stephen Colbert

Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it "The No Fact Zone." Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term.

Stephen Colbert

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

Stephen Colbert

There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.

Stephen Colbert

Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts.

Stephen Colbert

There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.

Stephen Colbert

Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old.

Stephen Colbert

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

Sophie Tucker

From birth to age 18 a girl needs good parents. From 18 to 35 she needs good looks. From 35 to 55 she needs a good personality. From 55 on, she needs good cash.

Sophie Kinsella

Darling, when things go wrong in life, you lift your chin, put on a ravishing smile, mix yourself a little cocktail...

Thomas Pynchon

Oh, this beer here is cold, cold and hop-bitter, no point coming up for air, gulp, till it's all--hahhhh.

Tim Vine

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

Tim Vine

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it...

Tim Vine

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

Tim Vine

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

Tim Vine

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

Tim Vine

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

Tim Vine

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

Tim Vine

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

Tim Vine

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

Tim Vine

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Tim Vine

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

Tim Vine

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

Tim Vine

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

Tim Vine

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Tim Vine

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.