Famous Quotes & Sayings

Lewis Black

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.

Lewis Black

Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.

Lewis Black

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

Lewis Black

When they played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!

Lewis Black

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Lewis Black

If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .

Lewis Black

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?

Lewis Black

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!

Lewis Black

And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.

Lewis Black

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

Lewis Black

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

Lewis Black

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

Lewis Black

A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!

Lewis Black

If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.

Lewis Black

Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it.

Lewis Black

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.

Lewis Black

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"

Leona Helmsley

Money enhances a man, yes, as beauty enhances a woman.

Joseph Heller

I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service.

Joseph Heller

When you consider the opportunity and power He had to really do a job, and then look at the stupid, ugly little mess He made of it instead, His sheer incompetence is almost staggering.

Karl Pilkington

We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that.

Karl Pilkington

What happens if someone else has my eyes, and they start looking at stuff I don't like? I don't like the idea of that.

Karl Pilkington

[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful.

Karl Pilkington

I know when I was a kid I ate a beetle. I ate a beetle because I thought it was licorice.

Karl Pilkington

I came up with a good idea....see-through skin.

Karl Pilkington

At some point, some insect has had sex with a leaf.

Karl Pilkington

With identical twins, you always get a little snidey one.

Karl Pilkington

I don't know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off.

Karl Pilkington

It's just hassle of having friends and family an' that.

Karl Pilkington

As long as you're remembering baby Jesus, does it matter when you're remembering him. That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it December 25th.

Karl Pilkington

Avocados, it's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for. If it's a hassle to get into, leave it to the experts.

Karl Pilkington

Classes teaching you how to breathe. I'm 32, I think I've got the hang of it.

Karl Pilkington

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.