Famous Quotes & Sayings

Emo Philips

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

Emo Philips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'

Emo Philips

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

Emo Philips

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Emo Philips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

Emo Philips

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

Emo Philips

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Emo Philips

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Jake Gyllenhaal

Sometimes what I actually love to do is go to a farm and get fresh milk or watch a pig get slaughtered.

Henry Beard

Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again.

Henry A. Kissinger

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.

Helen Hayes

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

Norman Douglas

Nobody can misunderstand a boy like his own mother. Mothers at present can bring children into the world, but this performance is apt to mark the end of their capacities. They can't even attend to the elementary animal requirements of their offspring. It is quite surprising how many children survive in spite of their mothers.

Norman Chad

If you wagered $5,000 on each of my winning NFL picks in 2012 and $500 ($550) on each of my losing picks, you'd be ahead $70,050. Wow.

Norman Chad

Nate Silver is now forecasting Oscar winners. The only area of life in which he has no expertise, ironically, is life itself.

Norman Chad

If one official signals Falcons ball and Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson signals Seahawks ball, is it a jump ball?

Norman Chad

Seahawks beat Cardinals, 58-0. If Patriots beat Texans, 58-0, it will be first time in NFL history there were two 58-0 games in same week.

Norm Crosby

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Norm MacDonald

My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.

Norm MacDonald

My dad had this thing - everyone in Canada wants to play hockey; that's all they want to do. So when I was a kid, whenever we skated my dad would not let us on the ice without hockey sticks, because of this insane fear we would become figure skaters!

Noel Coward

I have always been very fond of them (drama critics) . . . I think it is so frightfully clever of them to go night after night to the theatre and know so little about it.

Noel Coward

Never trust a man with short legs. His brains are too near his bottom.

Noel Coward

Dear 338171 (May I call you 338?)

Noel Coward

People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what's wrong with it.

Noel Coward

The Stately Homes of England, How beautiful they stand, To prove the Upper Classes, Have still the Upper Hand.

Noel Coward

It's like this, dear boy, the one in front is blind and the kind one behind is pushing him.

Noel Coward

I've sometimes thought of marrying - and then I've thought again.

Noel Coward

I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise.

Mike Tyson

My main objective is to be professional but to kill him.

Miguel de Cervantes

All women are good - good for nothing, or good for something.

Miguel de Cervantes

Good painter imitates nature, bad ones spews it up.

Miguel de Cervantes

Well, there's a remedy for all things but death, which will be sure to lay us flat one time or other.