Famous Quotes & Sayings

George Carlin

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

George Carlin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

George Carlin

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

George Carlin

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

George Carlin

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

George Carlin

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.

George Carlin

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

George Carlin

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

George Carlin

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

George Carlin

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

George Carlin

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

George Carlin

If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

George Carlin

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.

George Carlin

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

George Carlin

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

Garth Brooks

If she were a president, she'd be Baberham Lincoln.

Gail Sheehy

When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking.

Frank Sinatra

I'm for whatever gets you through the night

Federico Fellini

Life is a combination of magic and pasta.

Faith Hill

A man who is right by your side through everything makes you happy. But he can leave your side to make dinner once in a while!

Eugene Ormandy

Someone came too sooner.

Eugene Ormandy

Start three bars before something.

Eugene Ormandy

Start at B. Yes. No. Yes. No.

Eugene Ormandy

Did you play? It sounded very good.

Eugene Ormandy

After two minutes after this time, and I am already there.

Eugene Ormandy

This is one bar you should take home.

Eugene Ormandy

Something went wrong. It was correct when I studied it.

Eugene Ormandy

That's the way it was every time I studied it.

Eugene Ormandy

There was confusion since I stood here 35 years ago.