Quotes about funny
funny-birthday men views
A man who views the world the same... Muhammad Ali
funny humor pie
I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the "Donate it to charity" slice. "I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'" Mitch Hedberg
funny sports athlete
Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot! Mitch Hedberg
funny humor news
If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly. Mitch Hedberg
funny humor hands
Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too! Mitch Hedberg
funny humor people
I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK. Mitch Hedberg
funny humor sugar
I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?" Mitch Hedberg
funny humor car
If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!" Mitch Hedberg
funny humor limos
Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up! Mitch Hedberg
funny humor guy
I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous. Mitch Hedberg
funny humor pasta
I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them. Mitch Hedberg
funny humor firsts
I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too. Mitch Hedberg
funny humor years
I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year. Mitch Hedberg
funny humor eye
I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids. Mitch Hedberg
funny party humor
You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two." They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes! Mitch Hedberg
funny brother humor
I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, "Don't even worry about snakes anymore". My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, "Lay down!" Mitch Hedberg
funny hate humor
I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me. Mitch Hedberg
funny humor ozone-layer
That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons. Mitch Hedberg
funny real moving
The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough." Mitch Hedberg
funny humor views
I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong. Mitch Hedberg
funny humor way
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. Mitch Hedberg
funny humor forget-everything
This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were! Mitch Hedberg
funny humor done
I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me. Mitch Hedberg
funny humor thinking
I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station? Mitch Hedberg
funny dog humor
A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!" Mitch Hedberg
funny humor good-luck
Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. "I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!" Mitch Hedberg
funny humor dinner
If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!" Mitch Hedberg
funny humor two
I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else. Mitch Hedberg
funny humor boys
I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!" Mitch Hedberg
funny strong humor
As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em. Mitch Hedberg
funny humor thinking
I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards. Mitch Hedberg
funny real humor
I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008. Mitch Hedberg
funny humor want-something
I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off. Mitch Hedberg