Famous Quotes & Sayings

Jon Stewart

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Jon Stewart

Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.

Jon Stewart

That's the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We're sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material.

Jon Stewart

Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a manufactured day that really doesn't mean anything.

Jon Stewart

We declared war on terror-it's not even a noun, so, good luck.

Jon Stewart

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

Jon Stewart

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

Jon Stewart

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Katey Sagal

'Married with Children' was racy. It was sexist. It was a lot of things, but mostly it was funny.

Ozzie Guillen

I love Fidel Castro, I respect Fidel Castro, you know why? A lot of people have wanted to kill Fidel Castro for the last 60 years, but that motherf****r is still here.

Ovid

A woman is always buying something.

Paul Mazursky

Even when I begin with a situation that's basically funny or sad, I like to keep poking around in it. I like to get into the middle of a relationship, to explore the subtle places.

Paul Lynde

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.

Paul Lynde

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.

Paul McCartney

Somebody said to me, 'But the Beatles were anti-materialistic.' That's a huge myth. John and I literally used to sit down and say, 'Now, let's write a swimming pool.'

Paul McCartney

It (LSD) opened my eyes. We only use one-tenth of our brain. Just think of what we could accomplish if we could only tap that hidden part! It would mean a whole new world if the politicians would take LSD. There wouldn't be any more war or poverty or famine.

Patty Duke

I joke around a lot about the manic times because they're funny. We manics do outrageous things and it is part of our colorful nature.

Paulette Goddard

I don't accept flowers. I take nothing perishable.

Mel Gibson

After about 20 years of marriage, I'm finally starting to scratch the surface of what women want. And I think the answer lies somewhere between conversation and chocolate.

Mel Brooks

Coleman Jacoby and Arnie Rosen won an Emmy and Mel Brooks didn't! Niezsche was right! There is no God! There is no God!

Mel Brooks

Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive.

Mel Brooks

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

Mel Brooks

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Mel Brooks

I don't know what to say so I'll just say what's in my heart...badoom, badoom, badoom.

God is at home, it's we who have gone out for a walk.

Mary Daly

I had explained that a woman's asking for equality in the church would be comparable to a black person's demanding equality in the Ku Klux Klan

Marty Feldman

I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I'd gladly eat a network executive or a politician.

Martina Navratilova

Whoever said, 'It's not whether you win or lose that counts,' probably lost.

Pietro Aretino

If you want to annoy your neighbors, tell the truth about them.

History repeats itself. Historians repeat each other.

Rachel Caine

Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane

Pete Seeger

I never intended to make a living from music. That's the funny thing. I wanted to be a journalist.

Pete Dye

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.