Famous Quotes & Sayings

Rodney Dangerfield

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Rodney Dangerfield

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

Rodney Dangerfield

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Rodney Dangerfield

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

Rodney Dangerfield

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

Rodney Dangerfield

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Rodney Dangerfield

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

Rodney Dangerfield

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

Rodney Dangerfield

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Rodney Dangerfield

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

Rodney Dangerfield

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

Rodney Dangerfield

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

Rodney Dangerfield

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

Rodney Dangerfield

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

Rodney Dangerfield

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Rodney Dangerfield

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Rodney Dangerfield

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

Rodney Dangerfield

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!