Famous Quotes & Sayings

Mike Birbiglia

I didn't realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents... my dad told me "You're good; you should be a computer programmer." I said, "You're bad... you should be a caveman."

Mike Birbiglia

I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!"

Mike Birbiglia

I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees...

Mike Birbiglia

A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'

Mike Birbiglia

Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!"

Mike Birbiglia

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

Mike Birbiglia

They really cut to the chase in the urologist's examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R.

Mike Birbiglia

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

Mike Birbiglia

When you're in a relationship with someone who's selfish, what keeps you in it is the fact that when they shine on you, it's this souped-up shine. And you feel like you're in the club. And you don't even know what club it is. You just know you want to stay in it.

Mike Birbiglia

It had that kind of open-ended fear to it - like that feeling you get when you're driving and you see a cop. And you're not speeding. You don't have drugs. But you're just thinking, I hope he doesn't notice I'm driving.

Mike Birbiglia

I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.

Mike Birbiglia

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.

Mike Birbiglia

Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.

Mike Birbiglia

When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?"

Mike Birbiglia

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

Mike Birbiglia

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article "Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I'm So Drunk."

Mike Birbiglia

I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!"

J. K. Rowling

Can I have a look at Uranus too, Lavender?

J. K. Rowling

There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other.

J. K. Rowling

The middle class is so funny, it's the class I know best, and it's the class where you find the most pretension, so that's what makes the middle classes so funny.

J. K. Rowling

But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.

H. G. Wells

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.

H. L. Mencken

If I ever mary, it will be on a suddn impulse - as aman shoots himself

H. L. Mencken

The lunatic fringe wags the underdog.

H. L. Mencken

Love is photogenic. It needs darkness room to develop

H. L. Mencken

Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time.

H. L. Mencken

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

H. L. Mencken

Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.

H. L. Mencken

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

H. L. Mencken

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.

H. L. Mencken

Lawyer: one who protects us against robbery by taking away the temptation.

H. L. Mencken

Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.

H. L. Mencken

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.