Famous Quotes & Sayings

Tim Robbins

I wouldn't even get elected. I'd probably deck a couple of people, too which would not play very well with the national media.

Pakistan has made no mention of ending our tests. We have a missile program, and it is in the national interest whatever we want to do.

Ben Stiller

Owen is one of the funniest people around. He's a friend of mine, and we've worked together a number of times. There's no other person like Owen.

Garry Shandling

Rip as we know is vastly experienced and funnier than I think anyone knew. The show really reveals him to be a brilliant comedic actor.

Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!

Paula Poundstone

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.

Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

Rip Taylor

I went to see Harvey again in Fiddler. Harvey's throat is getting better.

Ellen DeGeneres

Just go up to somebody on the street and say "You're it!" and just run away.

Debra Wilson

Just generation after generation of people singing and performing and all that artistic and creative outflow had to go somewhere.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Mitch Hedberg

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

Ben Stiller

When you come out with a film, hopefully it gets presented to the public in the right way so people aren't getting something they don't expect.

Julia Sweeney

I was on stage and I was like I will pay someone to do my time, not only will I expect NOT to be paid, but I will pay someone if I can run off stage right now. It was so bad.

Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Jay London

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.

Mitch Hedberg

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero?

Carrot Top

Like I told Howard, I can't help it that I'm beautiful.

Jerry Stiller

I still haven't hit what I do best yet.

Samantha Bee

It doesn't always click for people or they don't know the show - which I can't imagine - but there are people out there who don't.

Lenny Bruce

When you're eight years old, nothing is any of your business.

Well, I'm sure there are people of Turkish origin wouldn't want to do that, but external forces would try to influence the situation in Turkey.

Todd Barry

You always think you're better than you are in the beginning.

Emo Philips

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

Kathy Griffin

The fact that that really is my life, and that my husband Matt - who you see on the show - is like the most normal guy in the world.

Harpo Marx

In the fall of 1943 we brought home our second son, whom we named Alexander.

Harpo Marx

I was the same kind of father as I was a harpist - I played by ear.

Ruby Wax

College atheletes used to get a degree in bringing your pencil.

Jay London

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

Jay London

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

George Burns

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.