Famous Quotes & Sayings

Ben Stiller

Owen is one of the funniest people around. He's a friend of mine, and we've worked together a number of times. There's no other person like Owen.

Ellen DeGeneres

Just go up to somebody on the street and say "You're it!" and just run away.

Debra Wilson

Just generation after generation of people singing and performing and all that artistic and creative outflow had to go somewhere.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Mitch Hedberg

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!

Paula Poundstone

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.

Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

Carrot Top

Like I told Howard, I can't help it that I'm beautiful.

Jerry Stiller

I still haven't hit what I do best yet.

Rip Taylor

I went to see Harvey again in Fiddler. Harvey's throat is getting better.

Red Buttons

I'll tell you the truth; I wanted to leave me for Sid Caesar.

Red Buttons

Then, there was Cary Grant. He spent three hours a week in hospitals teaching nervous people how to eat jello.

Red Buttons

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Do you think that you shall enter the Garden of Bliss without such trials as came to those who passed before you?

Every suggested idea produces a corresponding physical reaction. Every idea constantly repeated ends by being engraved upon the brain, provoking the act which corresponds to that idea.

You must give to get, You must sow the seed, before you can reap the harvest.

Rosie O'Donnell

We are losing the democracy that we're trying to sell in the Mideast and everywhere else right here in our own nation.

Rosie O'Donnell

I find this proposed amendment very, very, very, very shocking. And immoral. And, you know, if civil disobedience is the way to go about change, then I think a lot of people will be going to San Francisco.

From my earliest days I have enjoyed an attractive impediment in my speech. I have never permitted the use of the word stammer. I can't say it myself.

There can be a fundamental gulf of gracelessness in a human heart which neither our love nor our courage can bridge.

Randy Newman

I like the idea of taking a true classic written by a true genius and destroying it essentially! I like the idea of bringing it down to earth a bit - and even a bit lower than that.

Randy Newman

If we'd had another carefree 70's, I'd have been dead. It was a little too carefree, you know? I don't know how carefree they were for me, I think I was worried then, I can't remember what about.

Richard Lewis

My grandmother was a Jewish juggler: she used to worry about six things at once.

Paul Reiser

But I really felt that, something about the lights going down, and the sense of community. I saw this movie at one festival, and there were 1700 people.

Paul Reiser

This is not the most right I've ever been.

Paul Reiser

Not only do I sing to him, I sing entire conversations. You become Jerry Lewis.

Todd Barry

You always think you're better than you are in the beginning.

Lenny Bruce

When you're eight years old, nothing is any of your business.

Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Jay London

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.

Mitch Hedberg

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero?