Famous Quotes & Sayings

Sam Kinison

It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there.

Sam Kinison

I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry.

Shelley Berman

Today's audiences are different only insomuch as today's people are different, and I do not think today's people are substantially different.

Orlando Jones

You give the guy an Image Award three years in a row and then turn on him like that? If that's the role they want to fulfill, they need to send a clearer message.

Orlando Jones

I walked in thinking, 'I have ten movies under my belt and now they want me to go back to making commercials?' I said, if I do that, I want it to be funny.

Orlando Jones

That was one of the things that interested me about the character. He doesn't want to be a hero, and has no real desire to save the earth or discover aliens. He's sniffing around looking to see what will fall in his lap.

Steven Wright

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Joan Rivers

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Allan Houston

If it had been what was supposed to happen, it would have happened.

Jonathan Katz

The sterile, arid environment created by truly jarring and discordant signage and gargantuan billboards is a turnoff.

Todd Barry

I've never been a TV junkie. I remember watching Letterman way back when he had a morning show.

Dick Smothers

Our shows today are better and funnier than they've ever been.

Robert Klein

Nor did anyone censor any of my book. It is the most creative freedom you can have, in this, the 21st century, I can assure you.

Jay London

Do you know it was a year a ago today?

Mel Brooks

Anybody can direct. There are only 11 good writers.

Sarah Silverman

And then in my senior year of high school, I tried to go on at local nightclubs in New Hampshire, or I'd go on at school assemblies.

Todd Barry

Some venues are better run than others. Sometimes it's just maddening to deal with full dinners being served in front of your face. You can have a good or bad show anywhere.

Bruce Vilanch

Sometimes there are people you can't make jokes about because the situation is embarrassing, especially if they're going to be there. It's just cruel.

Don Adams

Sometimes I wonder how I got into comedy at all. I did movie star impressions as a kid in high school. Somehow they just got out of hand.

Andy Richter

Conan has to provide so much more talk than I do. He has to be interviewing. I get to sit there and if I don't say anything, there's no loss.

Jerry Stiller

Anne is very forgiving. She doesn't care about money, being rich, or clothes. We never argued about finances.

Jerry Stiller

Anne hated the idea of putting me down in front of the audience.

Milton Berle

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

Jonathan Katz

For a good chunk of Israelis, it doesn't matter who is in power when it comes to dealing with the Palestinians. Their focus was more on economic issues.

Chevy Chase

I took a professional gamble leaving Hollywood, knowing I would be out of the loop. I'm not part of the movie world in-crowd right now.

Josh Billings

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

Rachel Dratch

So, then, after college I did a children's theater tour for six months, but then I came out here. Just to try to do the whole Second City thing.

Gilbert Gottfried

Well, I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts.

Dick Smothers

Folk music was out there. Clubs were springing up and they were hot with the college kids.

Amy Poehler

There's a couple of enemies to improv, and one of them is editing; when you edit on TV it makes it seem like it's not really improv.

Al Franken

There's no liberal echo chamber in this country. There's a right-wing echo chamber. I want to create a countervailing echo chamber.