Famous Quotes & Sayings

Julia Sweeney

I was on stage and I was like I will pay someone to do my time, not only will I expect NOT to be paid, but I will pay someone if I can run off stage right now. It was so bad.

Steven Wright

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

Steven Wright

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

Steven Wright

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Steven Wright

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

Ben Stiller

I just watched Paul Michael Glaser. He was the reason I wanted to do the movie because as a kid I was such a big fan of his. I watched all the episodes and tried to get a feeling for what he was doing.

Ben Stiller

Even when I'm not directing, that doesn't stop Owen from having ideas for what I should be doing.

Patton Oswalt

Well, my dad had a lot of Jonathan Winters albums, so those were my first memories of listening to anything funny, and those were very influential.

Well, I'm sure there are people of Turkish origin wouldn't want to do that, but external forces would try to influence the situation in Turkey.

Garry Shandling

Rip as we know is vastly experienced and funnier than I think anyone knew. The show really reveals him to be a brilliant comedic actor.

Samantha Bee

It doesn't always click for people or they don't know the show - which I can't imagine - but there are people out there who don't.

Gilbert Gottfried

Well, I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts.

Groucho Marx

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Lucille Ball

The more things you do, the more you can do.

Lucille Ball

I think knowing what you cannot do is more important than knowing what you can.

And even very recently, when Taliban was in office, we took the humanitarian task of building hospital, for instance, schools and other arrangements.

Joan Rivers

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Mel Brooks

Anybody can direct. There are only 11 good writers.

Sarah Silverman

And then in my senior year of high school, I tried to go on at local nightclubs in New Hampshire, or I'd go on at school assemblies.

Robert Klein

Nor did anyone censor any of my book. It is the most creative freedom you can have, in this, the 21st century, I can assure you.

Josh Billings

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

Dick Smothers

Folk music was out there. Clubs were springing up and they were hot with the college kids.

Don Adams

Sometimes I wonder how I got into comedy at all. I did movie star impressions as a kid in high school. Somehow they just got out of hand.

Dick Smothers

Our shows today are better and funnier than they've ever been.

Andy Richter

Conan has to provide so much more talk than I do. He has to be interviewing. I get to sit there and if I don't say anything, there's no loss.

Jerry Stiller

Anne is very forgiving. She doesn't care about money, being rich, or clothes. We never argued about finances.

Jerry Stiller

Anne hated the idea of putting me down in front of the audience.

Wanda Sykes

Also, Def Jam came along, and everybody was doing it without really practicing or trying to be better comics, just trying to get on TV.

Jimmy Fallon

They got a great performance from me. I was happy.

Milton Berle

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

Steven Wright

It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Paul Reiser

It was funny to write for Peter Falk.

E. B. White

Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than a whole one.