Famous Quotes & Sayings

Jay London

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

Jay London

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

Tim Meadows

Out of 30 years of Second City I was probably the third African-American with the main stage cast. I was surprised when I first heard that. I think part of the reason that improvisation has never been popular with African-Americans is that it isn't popular in the inner cities.

Groucho Marx

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

Groucho Marx

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

After all, we paid great prices because of the virtual partitioning of Iraq.

There was expectations that the fights there, the operation there might be extended for several months, even for several years. But within a few weeks it ended, because obviously the Taliban wasn't a real force.

Well, that our main concern is that Iraq should not become a divided country.

So we are fulfilling our task in preventing serious armament stocks in Iraq within our possibilities.

No, I believe in the good will of the United States' administration.

W. C. Fields

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

W. C. Fields

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

Steven Wright

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Lucille Ball

One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn' t pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.

Josh Billings

One of rarest things that a man ever does is to do the best he can.

One feature of our life that is very evident is the apathy of most young persons, which in extreme cases is manifested as delinquency.

Dick Gregory

Riches do not delight us so much with their possession, as torment us with their loss.

Wanda Sykes

But I understand that relationship; I understand how the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship has so many conflicts because it's so forced.

But as the times change, people change, and so do their tastes, so I try to understand what the public wants, what they require.

Fred Allen

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.

Dana Carvey

I had written in another draft a completely different kind of fight, but they said they couldn't afford to shoot it. They needed a fight scene, though, so I was told to put a fight scene in, but not the one I had written.

Joan Rivers

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Groucho Marx

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

Jimmy Fallon

I first met Queen when we worked together on Saturday Night Live and you just saw immediately that she got comedy. Immediately she got every joke.

Dana Carvey

I can tell you now what I couldn't tell the studio then: Purely in case the movie was like a monster smash, I would have gotten too recognized.

George Foreman

I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Steven Wright

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Joan Rivers

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Allan Houston

If it had been what was supposed to happen, it would have happened.

Jane Wagner

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

James Thurber

It is better to have loafed and lost, than never to have loafed at all.