Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld
Jerome Allen "Jerry" Seinfeld is an American comedian, actor, director, writer, and producer...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth29 April 1954
CityBrooklyn, NY
CountryUnited States of America
kids funny-friend government
It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend.
soap tiny muscles
I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.
names people trying
Cremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States... People used to want a big, thick granite stone, their names carved into with a chisel. I was here dammit! Cremation is like you're trying to cover up a crime. Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone's concerned this whole thing never happened.
hands chef helping
A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.
people looks hey
The luge is the only Olympic event where you could have people competing in it against their will, and it would look exactly the same. Take people off the street, Hey, hey, hey, what is this?! I don't wanna be in the luge! Once you put that helmet on them, You're in the luge, buddy! aaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAA...aaaAAAAA... World record. Didn't even wanna do it. I'd like to see that next Olympics, the Involuntary Luge.
tired insecure mcdonalds
Why is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion... who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I'll have one! I'm satisfied! I'd like to tell the CEO of McDonalds, Look. We all get it, okay? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, 'McDonalds: We're Doing Very Well.' We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them.
television potato-chips potatoes
The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.
men guy gentleman
Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in the world... 1400 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has let himself go.
dog stupid believe
A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots. Think of your dog. Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day. You walk in the door; the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He looks at you, He's back. It's that guy, that same guy. He can't believe it. Everything is amazing to your dog. Another can of food? I don't believe it.
sex dinner hours
Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.
war titles marine-biologist
Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?
voice wife funny-marriage
I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's a musical.
eclairs gymnast hell
What the hell, I'll just eat some trash.
coffee home thinking
People don't think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.