Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld
Jerome Allen "Jerry" Seinfeld is an American comedian, actor, director, writer, and producer...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth29 April 1954
CityBrooklyn, NY
CountryUnited States of America
thinking finding-yourself kitchen
So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen, you see an eclair in the receptacle, and you think to yourself, 'What the hell, I'll just eat some trash.'
thinking facts certain
I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more!
sex sleep men
Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.
dad golf games
Golf is the ultimate avoidance activity for the dysfunctional dad. A game so nonsensically difficult, so pointless, so irrationally time consuming, the word golf itself can only stand for ‘Get Out, Leave Family.’
congratulations winning thinking
The Olympics is my favourite sporting event. Although I have a problem with that silver medal. When you think about it, you win the gold - you feel good, you win the bronze - you think, 'Well at least I got something'. But when you win silver, it's like, 'Congratulations, you 'almost' won. Of all the losers, you came in first of that group. You're the number one 'loser.' No one lost ahead of you.
enemy comedy
Success is the enemy of comedy.
sarcastic stranger bad-movies
I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
funny book reading
The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.
shallow more-to-life obvious
There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
funny ice massage
Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.
islands light what-matters
We’re all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive in, it doesn’t matter. What matters is when the red light [camera] comes on.
magic gone idiot
All magic is 'Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.'
dirty problem t-shirt
If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem.
halloween kids giving
So the first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you're a kid your brain can't even process the information. You're like: "What is this? What did you say?" "What did you say about giving out candy? Who's giving out candy?" "Everyone that we know is just giving out candy!"