Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld
Jerome Allen "Jerry" Seinfeld is an American comedian, actor, director, writer, and producer...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth29 April 1954
CityBrooklyn, NY
CountryUnited States of America
funny humor men
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'
crazy-ideas proven can-do
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.
movie years two
If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.
theater audience trapped
I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.
fun knowing comedian
The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.
funny-friend want
Why would anybody want a friend?
kids funny-friend government
It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend.
soap tiny muscles
I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.
names people trying
Cremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States... People used to want a big, thick granite stone, their names carved into with a chisel. I was here dammit! Cremation is like you're trying to cover up a crime. Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone's concerned this whole thing never happened.
hands chef helping
A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.
people looks hey
The luge is the only Olympic event where you could have people competing in it against their will, and it would look exactly the same. Take people off the street, Hey, hey, hey, what is this?! I don't wanna be in the luge! Once you put that helmet on them, You're in the luge, buddy! aaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAA...aaaAAAAA... World record. Didn't even wanna do it. I'd like to see that next Olympics, the Involuntary Luge.
tired insecure mcdonalds
Why is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion... who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I'll have one! I'm satisfied! I'd like to tell the CEO of McDonalds, Look. We all get it, okay? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, 'McDonalds: We're Doing Very Well.' We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them.
television potato-chips potatoes
The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.
men guy gentleman
Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in the world... 1400 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has let himself go.