Famous Quotes & Sayings

George Carlin

Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"

George Carlin

In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf.""

George Carlin

In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself.

George Carlin

I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!

George Carlin

A pear is a failed apple.

George Carlin

When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

George Carlin

They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.

George Carlin

I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.

George Carlin

If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?

George Carlin

The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch.

George Carlin

When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.

George Carlin

I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

George Carlin

If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.

George Carlin

Professional soldiers are people who die for a living.

George Carlin

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

George Carlin

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason

George Carlin

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

George Carlin

Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists."

George Carlin

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.

George Carlin

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?

Frank Sinatra

[Answering the phone] Hello, this is a recording, you've dialed the right number, now hang up and don't do it again.

Miguel de Cervantes

Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.

Franklin D. Roosevelt

It is better to swallow words than to have to eat them later.

John Cleese

We all operate in two contrasting modes, which might be called open and closed. The open mode is more relaxed, more receptive, more exploratory, more democratic, more playful and more humorous. The closed mode is the tighter, more rigid, more hierarchical, more tunnel-visioned. Most people, unfortunately spend most of their time in the closed mode.

Megan Abbott

I think there are two prevailing views of the suburbs in the States: either they're this sort of tedious place, where everyone is the same, buys the same food and drives around in their little minivans, or the view is that the suburbs are extremely perverse in a humorous way.

Max Cannon

I'm just trying to portray what I find ironic or humorous.

P. J. O'Rourke

West Germans are tall, pink, pert and orthodontically corrected, with hands, teeth and hair as clean as their clothes and clothes as sharp as their looks. Except for the fact that they all speak English pretty well, they're indistinguishable from Americans.

Mose Allison

There's a few tunes of mine that don't have jokes, but most of them have a joke and they have a humorous point of view somewhere.

Jonathan Kellerman

Government is like junior high. Your status depends upon whom you're able to persecute.

Jon Stewart

For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don't you know, it's interesting. I think we don't make things up. We just distill it to, hopefully, its most humorous nugget. And in that sense it seems faked and skewed just because we don't have to be subjective or pretend to be objective. We can just put it out there.

Jon Stewart

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

Jim Rohn

In leadership we teach we teach;Don't send your ducks to eagle school because it wont help.Ducks finishes eagle school,sees his first rabbit, makes him a friend.

John Denver

Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, Is like being nowhere at all, All through the day how the hours rush by, You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.