Famous Quotes & Sayings

Sean O'Casey

Oh Lord, give us a sense of humor with courage to manifest it forth, so that we may laugh to shame the pomps, the vanities, the sense of self-importance of the Big Fellows that the world sometimes sends among us, and who try to take our peace away.

Neil Simon

He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

Sheila Ballantyne

Ghetto humor is the social twin of fantasy; together they sustain the powerless, who accomplish miracles through illusion.

Shel Silverstein

Stand-up comics reflect less of a visual humor and more of a commentary.

Natalie Merchant

I don't think women's prisons are environments for dance routines, and I don't think mass murder is humorous.

Sergio Aragones

Eventually I would like to touch all the genres. I would like to do some detective stories, and I want to do a Western. I would want to do humorous Westerns.

Steven Tyler

Seems like the light at the end of the tunnel may be you.

Sammy Davis, Jr.

You always have two choices: your commitment versus your fear.

Julie Kagawa

Touch her, and I'll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?

Joyce Brothers

When you come right down to it, the secret to having it all is loving it all.

Jules Renard

Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it.

Josh Billings

It's not so hard to get rich as it is to know when you have gotten rich.

Kami Garcia

You're so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet.

Judy Garland

If you have to be in a soap opera try not to get the worst role.

Paul Krassner

People don't like to be lectured to, but if you can make them laugh, their defenses come down, and for the time being they've accepted whatever truth is embedded in your humor.

Paul Krassner

The more repression there is, the more need there is for irreverence toward those who are responsible for that repression. But too often sarcasm passes for irony, name-calling passes for insight, bleeped-out four-letter words pass for wit, and lowest-common-denominator jokes pass for analysis. Satire should have a point of view. It doesn't have to get a belly laugh. It does have to present criticism.

Mike Judge

They don't make you pay for the humor. It's up and down, but they're trying to give you as many laughs as possible in 2 minutes. They are the most honest comedians ever.

Mike Harding

When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a nose bleed, which usually cures them of that.

Mike Harding

... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of Camptown Races. Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.

Mike Harding

Economics, n.: Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith ...

Mike Harding

Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled.

Mike Harding

Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them.

Mike Harding

If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.

Mike Harding

The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog Eater.

Mike Harding

The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for castrating pigs during Sunday service.

Mike Harding

The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't take it too seriously.

L. Ron Hubbard

It is considered in England and the United States that the Government of South Africa is altogether too harsh with its native peoples. It is sadly humorous to notice that the native in South Africa, however, holds an exactly reverse opinion and the fault he finds with the South African Government is that it is far too lenient in its administration of laws throughout the native populace.

Stuart Wilde

The function of abundance is not to possess things but to use them and gather experiences.

Stuart Wilde

The secret to success is to subjugate your ego and serve others.

Steve Irwin

You know, I'm Australian, and we have got the worst sense of humor. We are cruel to each other.

Ross Perot

[In Moscow] we got through to [Soviet leaders] Brezhnev and Kosygin on the telephone. I think it was because nobody had ever tried to call them at home before.

Ross Perot

Japan is our rival, not our enemy. Japan is a competitor... Bashing a Toyota won't make a better car.

Scott Adams

Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time.