Famous Quotes & Sayings

George Carlin

The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch.

George Carlin

She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.

George Carlin

When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.

George Carlin

I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

George Carlin

If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.

George Carlin

Professional soldiers are people who die for a living.

George Carlin

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

George Carlin

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason

George Carlin

I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution.

George Carlin

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

George Carlin

Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists."

George Carlin

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.

George Carlin

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?

Frank Sinatra

[Answering the phone] Hello, this is a recording, you've dialed the right number, now hang up and don't do it again.

Jeff Gordon

I'm not a robot; I have a personality and I have emotions. I have a humorous side to me and an angry side to me.

Groucho Marx

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.

Golda Meir

Zionism and pessimism are not compatible.

Golda Meir

If we have to have a choice between being dead and pitied, and being alive with a bad image, we'd rather be alive and have the bad image.

Golda Meir

We do not rejoice in victories. We rejoice when a new kind of cotton is grown and when strawberries bloom in Israel.

Golda Meir

One of the first sights that shocked me, when I came to Israel in 1921, was an Arab turning over a field with a very primitive plow; pulling the plow were an ox and a woman. Now, if it means that we have destroyed this romantic picture by bringing in tractors, combines, and threshing machines, this is true: we have.

Horace

A jest often decides matters of importance more effectively and happily than seriousness.

George Burns

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

George Burns

Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.

George Burns

From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.

George Bernard Shaw

I never resist temptation, because I have found that things that are bad for me do not tempt me.

George Bernard Shaw

A socialist is somebody who doesn't have anything, and is ready to divide it up equally among everybody.

George Bernard Shaw

A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.

Freeman Dyson

It is characteristic of all deep human problems that they are not to be approached without some humor and some bewilderment.

Ridley Scott

Sometimes I find I'm wearing a divided, split brain in terms of drama and humor.

Daniel Woodrell

Texas humor and Southern humor are pretty similar.

Tim Reynolds

That's kind of my own unusual sense of humor.

You have to have a sense of humor to do this,

Joyce Carol Oates

I should say, one of the things about being a widow or a widower, you really, really need a sense of humor, because everything's going to fall apart.