Famous Quotes & Sayings

Mitch Hedberg

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

Mitch Hedberg

When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.

Mitch Hedberg

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Mitch Hedberg

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Mitch Hedberg

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Mitch Hedberg

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.

Mitch Hedberg

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard. The mailman will get shot, the envelope will not seal, the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. The final payment must be made in wampum.

Mitch Hedberg

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

Marilyn Monroe

I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time.

Maria Bamford

I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don't wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too.

Maria Bamford

I've never really thought of myself as depressed so much as I am paralyzed by hope.

Frank Herbert

Ecology is often confused with environmentalism, while in fact, environmentalism often leaves out the fact that people, too, can be a legitimate part of an ecosystem.

Frank Herbert

You know it's love when you want to give joy and damn the consequences.

George H. W. Bush

It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another.

George H. W. Bush

I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job.

George H. W. Bush

I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.

Greg Mortenson

When you take the time to actually listen, with humility, to what people have to say, it's amazing what you can learn. Especially if the people who are doing the talking also happen to be children.

George Herbert

It is good to have friends both in Heaven and Hell.

Jean de la Bruyere

The Opera is obviously the first draft of a fine spectacle; it suggests the idea of one.

Jean de la Bruyere

Nothing more clearly shows how little God esteems his gift to men of wealth, money, position and other worldly goods, than the way he distributes these, and the sort of men who are most amply provided with them.

Jean Baudrillard

The sad thing about artificial intelligence is that it lacks artifice and therefore intelligence.

Jean Baudrillard

There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.

Jayne Meadows

I never say a funny thing intentionally.

Jay London

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

Jay London

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

Jay London

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights

Jay Leno

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

Jay Leno

You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she's eating for one.