Famous Quotes & Sayings

Bill Burr

You're a kid, your whole life is awesome. It's awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren't scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult. All your IDs, all your credit cards - just run out of the house with no phone, turn the corner where you can't see your house, and not have a full on panic attack.

Bill Bryson

The universe is not only queerer than we suppose; it is queerer than we can suppose

Bette Davis

From the moment I was six I felt sexy. And let me tell you it was hell, sheer hell, waiting to do something about it.

Bette Davis

An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring... I ought to know.

Bette Davis

I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.

Berkeley Breathed

It's never too late to have a happy childhood.

Ashton Kutcher

I'll watch a Keanu Reeves movie and I'll go, 'Wow, he's really not a very good actor!'

Sandra Bullock

I will do comedy until the day I die: inappropriate comedy, funny comedy, gender-bending, twisting comedy, whatever comedy is out there.

Matt Smith

I think there's an interesting contradiction of having a young face and an old soul. There's something funny about it, and it also allows you to reinvent being old.

Melissa McCarthy

Jason Statham is funny, I never knew that.

Jason Alexander

Jerry Seinfeld has an interesting theory. He goes, '20 pounds up or down, and you lose your funny.'

Bill Vaughan

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

Bill Vaughan

Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college.

Bill Vaughan

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.

Bill Vaughan

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

Bill Burr

What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?

Bill Hicks

I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.

Bill Hicks

I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.' You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.

Bill Hicks

Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.

Bill Hicks

I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.

Bill Hicks

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

Bill Hicks

If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.

Bill Hicks

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

Bill Hicks

Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.

Michael Lewis

The A's are held to the standard of the Yankees in a funny kind of way. That if they don't win the World Series it is regarded as a failure.

Russell Banks

That was the funny part of the reading.

That would be kind of funny. I guess it would be kind of an honor, too. But at the same time, you hear guys saying, 'I want that long-term deal,' because of the security.

Mark Valley

I think it's one of those funny things - sometimes you're not really friends with somebody until you've gotten into a good fight, and I think that's the situation with Superman and Batman.

It is obviously funny and engaging, but it needs to track into educational lessons, too.

Quentin Crisp

Life was a funny thing that occurred on the way to the grave

Katie Holmes

I watched a porno once, it was really funny.

Marry for money, my little sonny, a rich man's joke is always funny.