Famous Quotes & Sayings

Bill Cosby

I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are."

Bill Cosby

The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."

Bill Cosby

A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.

Bill Cosby

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.

Bill Cosby

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.

Bill Cosby

Now, this is the fun part about getting stoned. They get stoned, then they become paranoid. Now, when they started out, they said, "Let's get high and have fun." So they're high; now they're paranoid. "Am I falling out of this chair?"

Bill Cosby

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.

Bill Cosby

"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick..." And I said, "And tired." I don't remember anything after that.

Bill Cosby

My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.

Bill Cosby

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

Bill Cosby

When you're a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say, "What the filth and foul and I'll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I'll filth and foul, foul, filth!" You don't want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot: "What the... Get your... I'll put a... Get out of my face!"

Bill Cosby

Old is always fifteen years from now.

Bill Cosby

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

Bill Cosby

I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.

Bill Cosby

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

Bill Cosby

It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.

Bill Cosby

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

Bill Cosby

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

Bill Cosby

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Bill Cosby

Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half - dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.

Bill Cosby

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

Bill Cosby

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

Bill Cosby

Nobody ever says, "Can I have your beets?

Bill Cosby

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

Catullus

But you shall not escape my iambics.

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?

Carrie Fisher

As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't.

Carrie Fisher

My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there.

Bill Burr

I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in.

Bill Burr

There's no "brothers" when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio - I don't know that guy.

Bill Burr

Any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there's like a devil and a devil and they're just battling it out the whole time. It's like, "Smoke some crack!" "Get a hooker!" And then I go, "YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!

Bill Burr

My neighbor's not even listening to me. He's all excited about some garden hose he bought at Brookstone. He's convinced it was designed by NASA. "Actually, it's got two nozzles, one for the hot and one for the..." Really? Is it long enough to go around both our necks and the chimney so we can tandem jump off of this? That's all I really care about you and your little garden hose.

Bill Burr

To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.