Famous Quotes & Sayings

Doug Stanhope

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

Doug Stanhope

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

Doug Stanhope

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

Doug Stanhope

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

Douglas Adams

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.

Douglas Adams

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair.

Douglas Adams

Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen. Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer.

Douglas Adams

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.

Douglas Adams

Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.

Douglas Adams

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

Douglas Adams

The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armor to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into it in the first place.

Douglas Adams

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

Douglas Adams

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence.

Douglas Adams

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.

Douglas Adams

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Douglas Adams

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Douglas Adams

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Doris Lessing

Sometimes I think what I write is funny in its quiet way.

Doris Lessing

Small things amuse small minds.

Donald Knuth

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.

Donald Knuth

Computers are good at following instructions, but not at reading your mind.

Don Rickles

Some people say funny things, but I say things funny.

Don Rickles

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?

Dale Carnegie

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Craig Shoemaker

My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!

Cordell Hull

Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.

Corbin Bleu

My favorite show is America's Funniest Home Videos. People will get hit on the head and I feel bad cause I'm laughing my head off!

Claud Cockburn

Small earthquake in Chile. Not many dead.

Claude Debussy

In opera, there is always too much singing.

Daniel Radcliffe

I mean I've seen 3D films so far and I think it's a long way to go before they replace actors. It's a funny thing with 3D, I haven't quite got it yet. Yet.

Daniel Radcliffe

I'm not an easy person to love. There are lots of times when I'm a very good boyfriend, but there are times when I'm useless. I mean, I'm a mess around the house. I talk nonstop. I become obsessed with things.

Daniel Craig

I find it very easy playing Bond. I think he's hilarious. He gets himself into some extraordinarily funny situations.

Dan Jenkins

Many Americans follow pro basketball from November through June, for reasons that I found unexplainable, other than the fact that they were overly fascinated with soaring armpits.