Famous Quotes & Sayings

Frank Carson

I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

Frank Carson

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

Frank Carson

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

Frank Carson

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

Frank Carson

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

Frank Carson

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."

Frank Carson

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

Frank Carson

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."

Frank Carson

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

Frank Carson

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

Frank Carson

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

Frank Carson

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

Frank Carson

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

Frank Carson

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

Frank Carson

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Frank Carson

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

Frank Carson

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

Frank Carson

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

Frank Carson

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

Frank Carson

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

Frank Carson

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

Frank Carson

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

Frank Carson

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

Frank Carson

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Frank Carson

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

Frank Carson

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

Frank Carson

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Frank Carson

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

Frank Carson

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

Francoise Sagan

Money may not buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.

Francoise Sagan

A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to take it off of you.

Frank Rizzo

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.

George Jean Nathan

Love is the emotion that a woman feels always for a poodle dog and sometimes for a man.