Famous Quotes & Sayings

Lewis Black

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

Lewis Black

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

Lewis Black

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

Lewis Black

A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!

Lewis Black

If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.

Lewis Black

Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it.

Lewis Black

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.

Lewis Black

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"

Leona Helmsley

Money enhances a man, yes, as beauty enhances a woman.

Joseph Heller

I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service.

Joseph Heller

When you consider the opportunity and power He had to really do a job, and then look at the stupid, ugly little mess He made of it instead, His sheer incompetence is almost staggering.

Karl Pilkington

We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that.

Karl Pilkington

What happens if someone else has my eyes, and they start looking at stuff I don't like? I don't like the idea of that.

Karl Pilkington

[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful.

Karl Pilkington

I know when I was a kid I ate a beetle. I ate a beetle because I thought it was licorice.

Karl Pilkington

I came up with a good idea....see-through skin.

Karl Pilkington

At some point, some insect has had sex with a leaf.

Karl Pilkington

With identical twins, you always get a little snidey one.

Karl Pilkington

I don't know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off.

Karl Pilkington

It's just hassle of having friends and family an' that.

Karl Pilkington

As long as you're remembering baby Jesus, does it matter when you're remembering him. That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it December 25th.

Karl Pilkington

Avocados, it's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for. If it's a hassle to get into, leave it to the experts.

Karl Pilkington

Classes teaching you how to breathe. I'm 32, I think I've got the hang of it.

Karl Pilkington

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

Karl Popper

Science may be described as the art of systematic over-simplification.

Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

We want to tell him [Blair] that we have not executed anybody. They are either killed in battle, most of them get killed because they are cowards anyway, the rest they just get captured.

Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

Authentic sources - many authentic sources.

Mike Judge

When you work for other people you'll find ... that they do know what's best for them, and for the company. And you should listen to them and be respectful, but they don't know what's best for you.

Pearl S. Buck

Our society must make it right and possible for old people not to fear the young or be deserted by them, for the test of a civilization is the way that it cares for its helpless members.

Paula Poundstone

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

Paula Poundstone

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

Paula Poundstone

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

Paula Poundstone

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.