Emo Philips
Emo Philips
Emo Philipsis an American entertainer and comedian born in the Chicago suburb of Downers Grove. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice and a confused, childlike delivery of his material to produce the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the 'wisdom of children' or the idiot savant...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth7 February 1956
CityChicago, IL
CountryUnited States of America
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.
You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.
Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'
My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.
I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.