Quotes about humorous
humorous long brain
The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form. Dave Barry
humorous cake glasses
The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses.
humorous keys discovery
Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: Hey! Wood heat! The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, although their insurance rates went way up.
humorous holiday giving
We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right in his bowl full of jelly.
humorous home two
There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: passive systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and active systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
humorous golf doctors
I say the American Medical Association ought to get the hell off the golf course and answer this question ...
humorous medicine doctors
In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot.
humorous medicine doctors
I feel that nasal spray is a wondrous medical achievement, because it is supposed to relieve nasal congestion, and by gadfrey, it relieves nasal congestion. What I'm saying is that it actually works, which is something you can say about very few other aspects of the medical establishment.
humorous night people
What I like best about the telephone is that it keeps you in touch with people, particularly people who want to sell you magazine subscriptions in the middle of the night.
humorous important culture
Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers.
humorous united-states patterns
The Russians will never be able to get their missiles thought the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United States in complex, puke-inducing holding patterns.
humorous gun hands
Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.
humorous airplane fog
If Charles Lindbergh, flying with no instruments other than a bologna sandwich, managed to cross the Atlantic and land safely on a runway completely covered with French people, why are today's airplanes, which are equipped with radar and computers and individualized liquor bottles, unable to cope with fog?
humorous america people
It was you readers who really came through, proving once again that when the American people decide to "get involved" in a problem, it is best not to let them have any sharp implements.
humorous america united-states
We have been flooded with postal cards from all over the United States and several parallel universes. Just a quick glance though these cards is enough to remind you why this great nation, despite all the talk of decline, still leads the world in tranquilizer consumption.
humorous thinking america
The Japanese tend to communicate via nuance and euphemism, often leaving important things unsaid; whereas Americans tend to think they're being subtle when they refrain from grabbing the listener by the shirt.
humorous profound insane
Many, many of you have written to me asking the following question: 'Dave, have their been any new advancements in the field of artificial falcon insemination, and could these developments be used to improve the American electoral process?'
humorous sweat giving
Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? It's not his money.
humorous order profound
Okay everybody, line up in alphabetical order according to your height. Casey Stengel
humorous party night
You've reached Fantasia, where the undead live again every night," "For bar hours, press one. To make a party reservation, press two. To talk to alive person or a dead vampire, press three. Or, if you were intending to leave a humorous prank message on our answering machine, know this: we will find you. Charlaine Harris
humorous thinking soldier
I drew pictures for and about the soldiers because I knew what their life was like and understood their gripes. I wanted to make something out of the humorous situations which come up even when you don't think life could be any more miserable. Bill Mauldin
humorous phones dvds
Don't call me when you're stuck in traffic. It's not my fault that radio sucks and did it ever occur to you that there wouldn't be so much traffic if people like you put down the phone and concentrated on the road... besides I can't talk now, I'm in the car behind you trying to watch a DVD. Bill Maher
humorous technology boys
The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
humorous men profound
And the only people I fear are those who never have doubts... Save us all from arrogant men, and all the causes they're for. Billy Joel
humorous america chinese
America is not only big and rich, it is mysterious; and its capacity for the humorous or ironical concealment of its interests matches that of the legendary inscrutable Chinese. David Riesman
humorous america rainbow
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow as Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me the pot's at the other end. Ed Koch
humorous cat law
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. Benjamin Franklin
humorous wife choices
The good or ill hap of a good or ill life, is the good or ill choice of a good or ill wife.
humorous tongue ears
The tongue offends and the ears get the cuffing
humorous mouths cost
Mary's mouth cost her nothing for she never opens it but at others' expense.
humorous beer bottles
Gimme a pigfoot and a bottle of beer. Janis Joplin
humorous sarcasm doe
Might I trouble you to open the window, for chloroform vapour does not help the palate. Arthur Conan Doyle
humorous biblical sarcasm
He had never seen a woman doctor before, and his whole conservative soul rose up in revolt at the idea. He could not recall any biblical injunction that the man should remain ever the doctor and the woman the nurse, and yet he felt as if a blasphemy had been committed.