Famous Quotes & Sayings

Dave Attell

I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.

Dave Attell

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

Dave Attell

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.

Dave Attell

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

Dave Attell

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

Dave Attell

You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.

Dave Attell

Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.

Dave Attell

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.

Dave Attell

If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.

Dave Attell

You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.

Dave Attell

Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.

Dave Attell

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

Dave Attell

She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.

Dave Attell

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

Dave Attell

You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."

Dave Attell

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Dave Attell

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

Dave Attell

The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. "Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait - don't run away!"

Dave Attell

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Dave Attell

I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No-I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.

Dave Attell

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

Nicola Sturgeon

I'm a politician, and as you know, politicians are rarely very funny.

Colin Quinn

I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.

Colin Quinn

You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it.

Colin Quinn

Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type.

Rick McCallum

We shot so fast, so relentlessly, that I don't think we had any funny moments where people flubbed lines or stunts went wrong, ... We do 50 (scene) setups a day. That focuses people in a different way.

Geraldine Page

I have played old ladies since I was 17 years old, and very convincingly. I've always looked funny and was too tall to play the leads and so had to play the grandmothers.

Joan Rivers

Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.

Joan Rivers

I have no line. If I think it's funny, it's funny.

Brian Helgeland

I always think any circumstances can be funny. Not that I'm irresponsible, but when things go wrong, I always come up with a joke or think of something funny to say.

Andy Kindler

George Lopez is always on the verge of hilarity. If he could ever think of something funny to say, if he had a funny thought in his mind, he's ready to go.

I'd rather proliferate funny little rumors than not.

We had some trepidation whether or not we wanted to do it because we had been in the mode of doing the other. Once we got into the very first rehearsal, it reminded us how good Mozart was, how funny and how relevant to today.