Famous Quotes & Sayings

Bing Crosby

There is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for (Bob) Hope, and there is nothing he wouldn't do for me ... We spend our lives doing nothing for each other.

Billy Wilder

I've met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.

Billy Wilder

I'd worship the ground you walked on if only you walked in a better neighborhood.

Billy Wilder

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.

Bill Maher

A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!

Bill Maher

I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It's also been lying about its weight.

When you think about it, a lot of people have worked at retail at some time in their lives. And even if you haven't, all of us have had funny or frustrating experiences in stores.

Steven Wright

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

William Shakespeare

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

Louis C. K.

There's nothing that beats proving you're funny by making a funny thing, and right now there are huge outlets for that, with You Tube and all the other stuff online.

Louis C. K.

For years, Blockbuster Video has edited movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, when he's masturbating while the girls in the car are doing the thing. I rented it from Blockbuster and sped to that scene, and it was gone. I called up Blockbuster, and I'm like, "I got an erection, and the scene's not there."

Louis C. K.

I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining. ... "Sir, could you please stop?"

Louis C. K.

If I found myself alone on planet Earth, no other humans, I would have sex with a monkey in like two minutes. Two minutes. That's really not long enough to be sure you're alone on the Earth, even. That's like... I walk outside, it's- there's not much traffic. "Oh, my God, it's just me! I'm gonna have sex with a monkey right now. Oh, no-there's a person."

Louis C. K.

Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, "Those Chinese people, they can fly!" "You know about the Puerto Ricans? They're made of candy!"

Louis C. K.

I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, "What's wrong with you?" And I'm like, "I know! Damn it! Argh!"

Louis C. K.

One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she's kicking. ... And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It's like a rat. "Get off of me." "But I love you." "I don't know you, kid."

Louis C. K.

People are too afraid of uptown. A lot of people will tell you, like, "Don't go to Harlem. You can never go there. 'Cause as soon as you get there, they kill you." That's what people think. As soon as you arrive in Harlem, someone just stabs you in the face right away. That's people's image of Harlem: just everyone standing around waiting for lost white people to kill all day. "Did you see any? I didn't either."

Louis C. K.

America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.

Louis C. K.

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

Louis C. K.

I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'

Louis C. K.

Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed... into my mouth.

Louis C. K.

Sorry - Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someone's getting hurt.

Louis C. K.

Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.

Louis C. K.

You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says "dolphin safe", and you look at it and kind of go, "Yeah, but"-like somehow you think it's not going to be as good? Like, "I want to do the right thing-but it's probably kind of bland without the dolphin."

Mark Twain

All Congresses and Parliaments have a kindly feeling for idiots, and a compassion for them, on account of personal experience and heredity.

Josh Billings

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.

Mark Cuban

The new moron in town is Chad Ford of ESPN.com.

Mark Cuban

When I started writing this blog more than years ago, it was in response to traditional media's habit of twisting interviews to fit the headlines they wanted to create.

P. J. O'Rourke

It's better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money.

William Shakespeare

Life is as tedious as twice-told tale, vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man.

T. J. Miller

Most things I get hired on, I get hired because I improvise something funny, or they just think I look weird.

Marian Seldes

I know I'm funny, because I'm eccentric, I'm odd. I'm not what you expect.

Leslie Mann

I didn't think I was a humorless shrew in 'Knocked Up.' I think the women are just as funny as the men are in that movie.