Famous Quotes & Sayings

Denis Leary

Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspirin? I think I've got a cold."

Denis Leary

Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.

Denis Leary

Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.

Denis Leary

Everyone should have an evil secret plan...

Denis Leary

Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.

Denis Leary

That's why I'm glad Jesus died when he did. Because if he lived to be 40, he would have ended up like Elvis. He was famous already at that point. If he lived to be 40, he'd be walking around Jerusalem with a big fat beer gut and black side burns going, Damn, I'm the son of God. Give me a cheeseburger and french fries right now.

Denis Leary

Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them.

Denis Leary

I want you to take away the hope because that's the thing that's killing me.

Denis Leary

Heavy Metal fans are buying Heavy Metal records, taking the records home, listening to the records and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where's the problem? That's an unemployment solution right there, folks! It's called natural selection.

Dick Clark

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Dick Cavett

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

Dennis Miller

The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.

Dennis Miller

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

Dennis Miller

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

Dennis Miller

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.

Dennis Miller

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

Dennis Miller

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

Dennis Miller

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

Dennis Miller

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

Dennis Miller

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

Dennis Miller

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Dennis Miller

Lotto fever hit New York again this week, and like the old saying goes, 'You gotta be in it to win it'... but first, you gotta have a dead end job so pathetic you're willing to kill five hours standing in line for a 1 in 25 million chance.

Dennis Miller

Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.

Dennis Miller

Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend?

Dennis Miller

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8 degrees. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.

Dennis Miller

And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.

Dennis Miller

Bad television is three things: a bullet train to a morally bankrupt youth, a slow spiral into an intellectual void, and of course, a complete blast to watch.

Dennis Miller

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

Dennis Miller

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

Dennis Miller

I rant, therefore I am

Dennis Miller

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

Dennis Miller

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

Dennis Miller

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.