Famous Quotes & Sayings

Jay Leno

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution.

Jay Leno

If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

Jay Leno

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

Jay Leno

Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn’t like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton.

Jay Leno

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

Jay Leno

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Jay Leno

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Jay Leno

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

Jay Leno

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Cassandra Clare

Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers; we get Aquatruck.

Muriel Spark

We often laughed at others in our house, and I picked up the craft of being polite while people were present and laughing later if there was anything to laugh about.

Mo Williams

The way he was playing, he probably could have scored on Jesus.

Mo Williams

I'm no different than any other expendable player.

Moby

Better a loving single-parent family than a 'conventional' family where the parents hate each other and the father is a demagogue.

Mindy Kaling

It used to be that you had to make female TV characters perfect so no one would be offended by your 'portrayal' of women. Even when I started out on 'The Office' eight years ago, we could write our male characters funny and flawed, but not the women. And now, thankfully, it's completely different.

Mindy Kaling

When I was a little kid, I wrote this play about all these characters living in a haunted house. There was a witch who lived there, and a mummy. When they were all hassling him, this guy who bought the house - I can't believe I remember this - he said to them, 'Who's paying the mortgage on this haunted house?' I thought that was really funny.

Mindy Kaling

People don't want to listen to a celebrity tweeting about their charities and shows. That's why comedy writers do well - we put out little funny ideas.

Mindy Kaling

The funniest racism is the racism between minorities. It's something you don't see dramatized, but almost every minority I know who's my age, they have these funny stories about their parents stereotyping other minorities.

Mindy Kaling

There are so many distractions you can face as a woman, either with relationships or worrying about, Should I go to this party? or, Should I be doing this to help me get ahead? All [success] is, is doing your work and staying focused. It's boring advice, but boring good advice is what you can get from me!

Mindy Kaling

There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.

Mickey Rooney

Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.

Mickey Rooney

I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.

Kirk Douglas

Why can't a woman be more like a dog, huh? So sweet, loving, attentive.

Kirk Douglas

"Hail to the Chief" was played, and the President got up and made a gracious opening remark. "I've been in this office for six years, and yet every time I hear that music, I turn around wondering who they're playing it for."

Kirk Douglas

Unfortunately, once I did learn to smoke, I couldn't stop. I escalated to two packs a day very quickly, and stayed that way for about ten years. When I decided to stop, I adopted the method that my father had used when he quit. He would carry a cigarette in his shirt pocket, and every time he felt like smoking, he would pull out the cigarette and confront it: "Who stronger? You? Me?" Always the answer was the same: "I stronger." Back the cigarette would go, until the next craving. It worked for him, and it worked for me.

Kirk Douglas

On a crowded bus in Israel, a mother was speaking to her son in Yiddish. An Israeli woman reprimanded her. "You should be speaking Hebrew. Why are you talking to him in Yiddish?" The mother answered, "I don't want he should forget he's a Jew."

Kevin Garnett

This is it. It's for all the marbles. I'm sitting in the house loading up the pump, I'm loading up the Uzis, I've got a couple of M-16s, couple of nines, couple of joints with some silencers on them, couple of grenades, got a missile launcher. I'm ready for war.

Kenneth Williams

The nicest thing about quotes is that they give us a nodding acquaintance with the originator which is often socially impressive.

Kathleen Norris

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.

Karl Malone

I'm hunting for little Mexican girls.

Karl Marx

History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce.

Jules Shear

The same people who never did their homework in high school are still doing that to this very day out in the real world.

Julia Child

The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook.