Tim Vine
Tim Vine
Timothy Mark "Tim" Vineis an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his quick-fire puns and his role on the BBC series Not Going Out until his departure in 2012. He has released a number of DVDs of his stand-up comedy and has written several joke books. In 2010 and 2014, Vine won the award for best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. His winning jokes were: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never...
NationalityBritish
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth4 March 1967
narrative stories one-liner
If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
flexible gym instructor teach
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
boss came driving happened managing policeman promoted rang second third time
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
brother dad either mum older people younger
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
bloke chatting fast pull saw trying
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one'.
contain hardly love pack small trying
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
funny humor blood
I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
funny humor home
When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it...
funny humor ice
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
funny humor tuesday
So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'
funny humor names
I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.
funny humor doors
I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
funny humor trying
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.
funny humor games
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'