Tim Vine
Tim Vine
Timothy Mark "Tim" Vineis an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his quick-fire puns and his role on the BBC series Not Going Out until his departure in 2012. He has released a number of DVDs of his stand-up comedy and has written several joke books. In 2010 and 2014, Vine won the award for best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. His winning jokes were: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never...
NationalityBritish
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth4 March 1967
stars mean rocks
I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
silly laughing people
With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke
silly people effort
People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
funny humor home
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
wall teenager house
My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
coffee writing thinking
I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
funny brother dad
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
funny humor want
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
funny humor blokes
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
funny humor clubs
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.
funny humor volkswagens
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
funny humor names
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
funny humor doctors
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
funny stars humor
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."