Tim Vine
Tim Vine
Timothy Mark "Tim" Vineis an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his quick-fire puns and his role on the BBC series Not Going Out until his departure in 2012. He has released a number of DVDs of his stand-up comedy and has written several joke books. In 2010 and 2014, Vine won the award for best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. His winning jokes were: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never...
NationalityBritish
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth4 March 1967
party italian islands
My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him, ‘Don’t be Sicily’.
eye site sore-eyes
Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes
holiday once-in-a-lifetime lifetime
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
book reading glue
I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
funny humor oysters
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
dad son years
One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.
sun tanning olympics
I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
funny humor thinking
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
funny humor trying
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
funny humor eggs
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
funny believe humor
Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
funny humor giving
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
car levels parks
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
dust collecting hoover
Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.