Tim Vine
Tim Vine
Timothy Mark "Tim" Vineis an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his quick-fire puns and his role on the BBC series Not Going Out until his departure in 2012. He has released a number of DVDs of his stand-up comedy and has written several joke books. In 2010 and 2014, Vine won the award for best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. His winning jokes were: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never...
NationalityBritish
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth4 March 1967
metaphor simile knows
I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.
horse dark black
Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
funny humor swimming
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
writing important able
As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
funny humor filing-cabinet
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
house firsts chimneys
I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.
dvds psychiatrist shrinks
My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.
funny humor people
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
funny humor paris
I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?
real real-life pun
For one thing, I don't pun excessively in real life.
pun ifs
If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.
ducks chinese red
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
funny pieces rooms
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.
rip velcro
Velcro: what a rip-off.