Tim Vine
Tim Vine
Timothy Mark "Tim" Vineis an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his quick-fire puns and his role on the BBC series Not Going Out until his departure in 2012. He has released a number of DVDs of his stand-up comedy and has written several joke books. In 2010 and 2014, Vine won the award for best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. His winning jokes were: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never...
NationalityBritish
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth4 March 1967
funny humor blood
I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
funny humor home
When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it...
funny humor ice
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
funny humor tuesday
So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'
funny humor names
I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.
funny humor doors
I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
funny humor trying
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.
funny humor games
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
funny humor home
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
funny humor want
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
funny humor blokes
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
funny humor clubs
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.
funny humor volkswagens
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
funny humor names
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.