Tim Vine
Tim Vine
Timothy Mark "Tim" Vineis an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his quick-fire puns and his role on the BBC series Not Going Out until his departure in 2012. He has released a number of DVDs of his stand-up comedy and has written several joke books. In 2010 and 2014, Vine won the award for best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. His winning jokes were: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never...
NationalityBritish
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth4 March 1967
funny humor blood
I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
funny humor home
When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it...
funny humor ice
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
funny humor tuesday
So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'
funny humor names
I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.
funny humor doors
I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
funny humor trying
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.
funny humor games
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
funny humor home
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
funny brother dad
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
funny humor want
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
funny humor blokes
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
funny humor clubs
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.
funny humor volkswagens
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.