Tim Vine
Tim Vine
Timothy Mark "Tim" Vineis an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his quick-fire puns and his role on the BBC series Not Going Out until his departure in 2012. He has released a number of DVDs of his stand-up comedy and has written several joke books. In 2010 and 2014, Vine won the award for best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. His winning jokes were: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never...
NationalityBritish
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth4 March 1967
flexible gym instructor teach
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
boss came driving happened managing policeman promoted rang second third time
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
brother dad either mum older people younger
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
bloke chatting fast pull saw trying
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one'.
contain hardly love pack small trying
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
narrative stories one-liner
If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
funny humor blood
I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
funny humor home
When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it...
funny humor ice
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
funny humor tuesday
So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'
funny humor names
I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.
funny humor doors
I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
funny humor trying
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.
funny humor games
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'