Demetri Martin
Demetri Martin
Demetri Evan Martinis an American comedian, actor, artist, musician, writer, and humorist. He is best known for his work as a stand-up comedian, being a contributor on The Daily Show, and his Comedy Central show Important Things with Demetri Martin...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth25 May 1973
CityNew York City, NY
CountryUnited States of America
lonely stores fooled
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
crafts glitter herpes
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
stars hipster comedian
I would like a ship for the hips, please. Ships and hips. Hipsters to stir with their hips on the hip ships. And, of course, hips. Yeah, hip. That's me. I also like sips. I'm a slow drinker. A sipster. I'm a sipster hipster comedian. Yeah, sips. But more hips. Hip, hipster, hip star, hiptard. Definitely.
funny im-sorry humor
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
attitude stupid cat
I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.
summer location different
I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
sleep naps
A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you
running numbers machines
I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
interesting adjectives size
Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.
funny sports humor
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
sports fun swimming
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
im-sorry letters saws
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
giving people lollipop
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.
running games tennis
Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.