Anthony Jeselnik
Anthony Jeselnik
Anthony Jeselnikis an American comedian, television host, writer, producer, actor and podcast personality. He is known for his dark comedy style, which emphasizes misdirection, non sequiturs, biting insults, an arrogant demeanour, and a stage persona that frequently takes amoral stances...
NationalityAmerican
ProfessionComedian
Date of Birth22 December 1978
CityPittsburgh, PA
CountryUnited States of America
children thinking huge
Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.
passing-away tough difficult
It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
baby girlfriend body
My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.
baby girlfriend home
Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'
dad sorry lying
Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.
funny mom mother
She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'
jobs stupid people
I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work for me that they didn't have jobs anymore because I wasn't going to delete a stupid tweet.
funny girlfriend humor
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.
soccer legs seven
When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
girlfriend yesterday subway
I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.
sex firsts relief
The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.
halloween holiday razors
Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
century meaning-of-christmas gullibility
The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.
mother baby get-away
I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.